• If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
• If you don't eat, it will kill me.
• Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
• Always whisper the names of diseases.
• Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
• Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
• Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
• Wine needs to breathe so don't rush through the kiddish.
• Never pay retail.
• No one leaves a simcha hungry; but then no one leaves with a hangover.
• And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
• Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
• Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
• Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
• A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.