Names and other identifying characteristics have been changed to protect privacy.
Dear John,
You don't know me personally, but Moshe has apparently suggested to you that we communicate. He has told me of the tragic death of your beloved wife Christine, of the close call and miraculous survival at birth of Nicole, and of her current illness.
At the very outset, let me wish Nicole a speedy recovery - may G-d Almighty protect her and guard her always, and may she live a good and beautiful life to a ripe old age.
John, although I don't know you, I too am a husband and a father. And the thought of any man losing the wife of his dreams, the mother of his children, cannot but cause one's heart to bleed. I have unfortunately had to witness such tragedies on more than one occasion and each time it has shaken me deeply. Although one cannot and should not compare tragedies, in your case, it was even worse, because as Moshe explained to me, the death in the end was sudden, not giving you the opportunity to even say goodbye.
But there is one thing, at least in the cases that I have come across, that has mitigated the deep sadness. The wives and mothers who have died so young have been the most extraordinary people I have ever met - capable and self-assured, and at the same time selfless and spiritual. I considered myself blessed to have known them.
As a rule, I don't watch TV nor go to movies, so I hadn't heard of Christine's passing until today. But when Moshe told me that her name was Christine and that she had appeared on Everybody Loves Raymond, I did a quick Internet search. And I came up with something really beautiful - an interview with Christine.
Reading those few lines, it is clear to me that Christine was an extraordinary and wonderful woman. The warmth, kindness, spirituality and holiness that she expressed in her responses could not but reach out and touch anyone who reads them.
Christine speaks of how she copes with death of loved ones, "can't resolve it… although I often feel the comforting presence around me of those I loved and lost".
She speaks of how she deals with relationship breakups, "deep, painful, longing withdrawals that made me reach down into my depths and face myself and my own company. A life changing experience".
Of how she deals with loneliness, "I have had periods of deep loneliness but they were the times I really got to know myself."
Of her greatest achievement as "allowing herself to be loved" and that the best thing of being alive is "learning, discovering, giving and receiving love. Smiling at a stranger in the street."
For a woman as young as Christine was to say these things, and the many pearls in that interview, demonstrates a depth of personality, wisdom and maturity that is all too rare. How lucky you were to have been touched by someone such as Christine! Open yourself up to her wisdom, let her continue to inspire you, and ask yourself how she would expect you to act, or indeed how she would have acted, had the tables been turned! Christine concludes by saying, "we all have our unique journeys". Part of Christine's was to touch you. Allow the magic of that touch to permeate your entire being. At some point the beauty of her life will overcome the tragedy of her death. From the core of your being you will cry out at how lucky you were to have had her for the short time that you did.
It may have been less painful to marry a woman who was not as special but who would have been with you for your entire life. But in spite of all the pain, is that really what you have wanted? You were given an exceptional gift. G-d's gifts are given to us at His grace to be loved, cherished and appreciated for as long as we have them. Sometimes, life's greatest gifts are with us for the shortest of times.
John, you have been sorely tested, but G-d never tests a person beyond what they can endure. There can be no doubt that you have the capacity to grow from this. In time you will again learn to love and to be loved and to enjoy the awesomeness of life. For your journey is not over yet. Not only because you must care for your children, but because if G-d graces you with life, He wants you to live it beautifully.
Victor Frankl was a famous Jewish psychiatrist. A survivor of the Holocaust whose entire family perished, he wrote:
Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is being asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.
And the famous Rabbi Mendel of Kotzk had this to say:
Three ways are open to a man who is in sorrow. He who stands on a normal rung weeps, he who stands higher is silent, but he who stands on the topmost rung converts his sorrow into song.
I will conclude with a beautiful Midrash:
A King had a beautiful garden with many trees, orchards and flowers. One day, the king decided that his garden required a major makeover and hired a large team of gardeners. They were given no more than a day to complete the job.
Around midday, the king inspected their work. It was clear to all that he was unsatisfied. He then retired one of the gardeners, and instructed the others to continue until nightfall.
The next day the king summoned all the gardeners to pay them for the day's work. Astonishingly he paid the gardener who he dismissed early double the salary of all the others.
Immediately there was a hue and cry. But the king quieted them saying, "What he achieved in a half a day, none of you achieved in an entire day."
We are all here in G-d's garden, with the task of beautifying it - leaving it a better place than when we found it. On occasion when someone dies young we reach the wrong conclusion that it was with him that G-d was somehow unsatisfied and we are bewildered. But we have it wrong. Life is a journey in G-d's garden, and at its conclusion, when the task is fulfilled, it is time to go Home.
What these special people, and Christine amongst them, achieve in half a life-time, most of us don't achieve during our entire lives. But that's not a reason not to try.
Cheers,
Benzion Milecki